Beloved Mascot Now Officially A Criminal
LOS DEMONIOS, MZ — Early Wednesday morning STARCAR's beloved mascot and full-time corporate nightmare was finally captured and indicted on multiple charges covering his entire 23-year career.
LDPD reports confirm Mikey “Motor Mutt" was arrested while still wearing his stupid fur dog head, which he refused to remove. Authorities respected his wishes, mostly because no one wanted to find out what kind of human willingly chooses to be a dog for two decades.
This is the same Mikey who waved at children, fired T-shirts into crowds, and somehow survived 23 years inside STARCAR without ever speaking. In retrospect, that silence feels less like commitment to character and more like legal strategy.
STARCAR issued a statement saying it will not answer questions so as not to "further incriminate Mikey,” which is corporate talk for we definitely know more than you do and none of it helps. This is also the most responsible decision STARCAR has made since inventing a dog instead of hiring HR.
Fans immediately took to social media to defend Mikey, posting things like “He was a good boy” and “Free him.” These people are called adults, and they vote.
In a completely unrelated move that absolutely has nothing to do with the arrest, STARCAR announced it is now accepting submissions for a new International Mascot. Applicants are encouraged to comment below or contact their local STARCAR representative, preferably if they own a costume, have no moral compass, and are comfortable being indicted.