“Bring The Whole Family” Says Event That Will Kill The Weakest Family Member First
LOS DEMONIOS, MZ — In a bold move designed to finally answer the question “How badly do you want three grand?”, STARCAR has announced its Annual Last Fan Standing Derby, an event that combines motorsports, family fun, and a heat level usually reserved for divine punishment.
The derby features six events and one winner, who will walk away with $3,000 and, if everything goes according to plan, their life. Temperatures are expected to exceed 120°F, which is great news for fans who have always wanted to experience what it’s like to be a rotisserie chicken with opinions.
Organizers insist the heat is “part of the challenge,” which is a fun way of saying we booked this in the wrong place and now we’re pretending it’s on purpose.
“Stay cool and beat the heat,” reads the official announcement, a sentence traditionally followed by actionable advice, not followed by standing on asphalt while engines idle like angry furnaces.
The event is graciously hosted by Los Demonios, whose definition of “gracious” includes inviting thousands of people to Mezaroja in November, a month better known locally as Extended Summer: The Lawsuit Edition.
In an inspired act of optimism, senior citizens race free. This was marketed as an inclusive perk, but critics say it feels more like STARCAR asking, “Which of you has the strongest bones left?”
“Bring the whole family,” organizers say, because nothing bonds generations quite like watching Grandpa bargain with the sun for mercy.
STARCAR officials confirmed safety measures will be in place, including bottled water, vague assurances, and the comforting knowledge that someone will definitely tweet about it if things go wrong.
Despite the risks, excitement remains high. Fans are encouraged to check the website for updates, medical disclaimers, and live counts of how many competitors have switched from racing to lying down.
At press time, meteorologists confirmed the temperature would be “unnecessary,” “aggressive,” and “personally insulting.”